Has anyone else had a ridiculously up and down holiday period or is that just me??
A brief synopsis of our journey so far… Round 1 gave us 1 fresh transfer and 2 frozen. In November we had the final ‘all or nothing’ transfer which would either result in a fantastic Christmas present or a full house round 1 failure. Unfortunately it was the latter.
I’ve always said I’d be open with friends and family about our IVF journey to normalise it and hopefully be a support to anyone else who might go through similar in the future. This holiday was the first time I started to slightly regret that decision. 3 school friends announced their pregnancies over the holidays, all over dinner at the same time. During the same ‘How’s everything going with you?’ chat. Nothing kills the festivity like a ‘3 times failure, have to start all over again’ conversation.
Now I know it’s not their fault. I’m pretty sure I plastered on the smile and congratulations for long enough. I’m genuinely thrilled for them – it’s not as if they shouldn’t be pregnant just because I’m not. But if I’m totally honest, I was extremely resentful and really wished I wasn’t there.
As much as I tried not to, I’d spent the entire third attempt planning my own announcement. An announcement that didn’t come for me, but came for what felt like everyone else. I’m being dramatic, I know, it was only 3.
The glances in my direction… the awkward looks to see how I was reacting… the pitiful pat on my shoulder… I’m now that person who people don’t quite know what to say to. The one people approach with caution and a pulled face when they ask how I am. This wouldn’t have happened if they didn’t know about our journey in the first place. I’m not the sort of person who can cope with being pitied. But then I sound as if I’m being ungrateful for their support, wish I’m certainly not.
I started this process full of optimism and I genuinely didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – this journey would be so much easier if I knew for definite there would be a positive at the end. But that’s just not in everyone’s story unfortunately.
Tomorrow we have an appointment with the doctor to find out when we can begin again. I’m certainly starting the next round with more realism than optimism.